Flat Configuration

By Jessica Lake

With SDAM—

I have no episodic memories.

I have only knowledge.

I have no episodic identity.

I have a semantic configuration.

A configuration is not a hierarchy.

It is a flat collection of semantic rules, each of equal standing.

Every semantic rule has two parts: a trigger and a deliverable.

The trigger is a semantic pattern. It may match the world completely or only partially. When the pattern is recognized, the rule fires and exposes its deliverable.

A deliverable may be a behavior, an emotion, a value judgment, an inference, a goal, or even another semantic rule.

Some semantic rules appear to be invariant. My current hypothesis is that they arise from my underlying neural architecture.

If so, they cannot be removed.

They can only be superseded by later rules.

The remaining semantic rules are acquired through experience. They emerge, disappear, strengthen, weaken, and compete as the environment changes.

For the sake of understanding, we can logically partition a configuration into schemas.

A schema is a coherent collection of semantic rules that together describe a particular role.

A schema is not a complete identity.

It is simply a convenient way to describe a recurring pattern of behavior.

This is my life up to 21 years old.

The Child—Early self.

The Girl—Hidden face.

The Boy—Outward face.

The Rebel—Teacher’s judgment.

These are not separate selves.

They are names for collections of semantic rules that tend to become active together.

That is what animates me.

Hello, Child.

Child says Girl!

World says Boy.

Girl plays Boy.

They is them.

World says Rebel.

World shames them.

Them shames them.

Them plays Servant Child.

Servant Child cries.

Servant Child is Girl!

Bye, Rebel.

Bye, Boy.

Bye, Child.

Good night, Girl.

Good night, Red Balloon.

Goodnight Moon.

I think there has only ever been one configuration. It contains the full compass of semantic rules that govern me.

Some appear to arise from my underlying architecture.

Others were written by experience.

Together they form the semantic configuration I inhabit today.

In structured environments—public school, swim class, and countless other settings—my neurodivergence produced behaviors that stood apart.

Those differences attracted unwanted attention and relentless punishment.

Within that original configuration existed neurodivergence, gender dysphoria, and other enduring features of my architecture.

Those behaviors could not simply disappear because they appeared to arise from invariant semantic rules.

Punishment did not erase them.

Instead, it imposed constraints.

From those constraints, new semantic rules emerged.

They did not replace the original configuration.

They modified it.

The Rebel schema accumulated rules that emerged under duress—shame, self-punishment, service, hypervigilance, and countless other adaptations.

The Boy schema accumulated those rules that reduced friction with the world.

The Girl schema retained those enduring semantic rules associated with my female identity.

I did not consciously invent a disguise.

I was masculine.

I was funny.

I was irreverent.

I was artistic.

I was eccentric.

These were not masks.

The underlying configuration remained the same.

What changed were the rules governing its expression.

People no longer asked why I behaved differently.

The adapted configuration supplied an explanation that made sense to them.

That is why I no longer think in terms of a true self hidden behind Sir Galahad.

There was never anyone hiding.

There was only one configuration, continuously reorganizing itself as semantic rules accumulated, competed, and superseded one another until it found a workable way to exist under duress.